I think, in a way, I'm also glad we didn't talk for more than a month. Hindi dahil hindi kita na-miss. It’s just that the distance gave me time to actually sit with everything and figure out what I wanted, what I was willing to do, and what I was too afraid to do. The process wasn't easy, though. And I'm sorry it took me this long to realize that somewhere along the way, some of my decisions stopped feeling entirely like they were mine.

I'm talking about Cesca TT Ilang beses ko na sa kaniya sinabi na gusto ko nang mag-reach out sa 'yo, pero lagi niya akong pinipigilan. Yung tipong parang gagawin niya talaga lahat para lang hindi ako mag-reach out. And I get her. I don't think she's doing anything wrong by being protective of me. She knows how much this whole situation has affected me, so it makes sense naman na she'd want to keep me from doing something she thinks might hurt me again. I know she's only trying to protect me in the way she thinks is best. Siguro na-off lang ako because you're her friend too. And I think that's what made me question it sometimes. Ang strange lang na she's so determined to keep us apart when there's something between us that neither of us has really figured out yet.

Eventually, I realized na there's a difference between protecting someone and making the choice for them. She can tell me what she thinks. She can warn me. She can tell me that she thinks I'm going to regret something. And I'll listen, because I know she cares about me. But after all of that, the decision should still be mine. Sometimes, the people who care about us become so focused on preventing us from getting hurt that they forget we're also allowed to take a risk for something that matters to us. And maybe that's what this month gave me. The chance to stop asking everyone else what I should do and finally ask myself what I actually want.

I don't know what would have happened if I had reached out sooner. Maybe things would've been different. Maybe they wouldn't have been. But if there's one thing I'm glad I realized before too much time passed, it's that I don't want fear, or someone else's fear for me, to make a decision that I should be making for myself. Because time keeps moving whether we're ready for it or not. And if I'm going to look back at this someday, I want to know that whatever I chose to do next was something I chose because it was what I truly wanted—not because I was too afraid to find out what could've happened if I had just been honest.

things i never knew love could make me do

i don't think i've ever really stopped to think about all the little things i've done because of you.

some of them probably don't mean much to you. some of them you might not even remember.

pero when i look back at them now, napapaisip ako—would i really have done all of these if it weren't you?

01 — your birthday

what are the chances na may kailangan akong asikasuhin exactly on your birthday?

hindi talaga ako pinapayagan lumabas that day, pero gusto talaga kitang makita on your special day, so i lied and said na may aasikasuhin akong document sa school. i think what's important to me is that i was willing to risk getting caught just so i could spend that day with you.

i could've stayed home. mas safe, mas simple, walang kailangan pag-isipan. pero birthday mo yun. and i wanted to be there.

02 — the 30-page PDF

i've never been the type to write that much about what someone means to me.

i've always been content with telling people just an inch of what they mean to me. kahit gaano ko pa kamahal or ka-appreciate yung isang tao, i don't think i've ever felt the need to put all of it into words. pero with you, parang hindi sapat yung isang paragraph. or five. apparently, hindi rin thirty pages. the whole PDF for you was my first time doing something like that. and even after writing all 30 pages, i still felt like i was only scratching the surface of everything i wanted to say. i guess that's what made it different. for once, i wanted someone to know more than just an inch of what they meant to me.

03 — coming home late

i've always known better than to come home late. especially with my parents.

you know how strict they are, and i know how much trouble i'd get into if i came home late. pero there were times na i'd rather risk getting caught just to spend more time with you. kasi if the choice was between coming home early with only a few memories, or coming home late knowing i got to spend a little longer with you, i'd choose the latter. that sounds stupid, pero i'd rather have the extra memories and deal with getting scolded after than wonder what it would've been like if i stayed a little longer.

04 — the load

at first, nagpapaload lang talaga ako kasi may kailangan akong gawin for school.

eventually, alam ko na na makiki-hotspot ka sakin, so naging habit ko na rin magpaload kahit wala naman akong ibang kailangan gawin. nothing deep naman about it, i just knew you'd probably connect, so might as well have data. and looking back, ang funny lang na something i originally did for school eventually became something i started doing partly because of you.

05 — Stranger Things

you know i would've never picked a series with that many seasons on my own.

i get bored easily with long series TT so normally, hindi ko talaga sisimulan yan. pero i've seen your reposts about how meaningful it is when someone watches your favorite series or movie just because it's important to you. and i already knew how much Stranger Things meant to you, so i wanted to understand it.

i wanted to understand why you loved it so much, the characters you cared about, and the things that made it special to you. i don't think i would've watched it if it weren't for you. i watched it because i wanted to know something that mattered to you.

06 — Riring, Jijit, and Eli

i already had baby fever, but somehow, you made me fond of them in a way i didn't expect.

malala talaga baby fever ko, but i've never really seen myself getting this attached to kids. pero sa kanila, somehow, it became different. maybe because they're part of your life.

i liked hearing about them. i liked knowing their names, remembering little things about them, and getting fond of them in my own way. and i think that's something i didn't expect about caring for someone. you start caring about the little things that make them happy, too.

07 — the longer route

there was always a shorter way to the jeep. i just didn't always want to take it.

i'd rather walk farther with you than take the easier way without you. kasi honestly, hindi naman yung distance yung importante sakin. if walking the longer way meant i got to spend more time beside you, then i didn't really care kung mas malayo pa yung lalakarin natin. i'd take the long way if it meant i got more time with you.

08 — lying

i never thought i'd become someone who could willingly lie for another person. especially to my parents.

kasi for some reason, whenever i lie to them, feeling ko i'm lying to myself too. it's something i've always tried to avoid. pero with you, i became willing to do it. if lying meant i could spend more time with you, see you, or be somewhere with you, i'd do it willingly. and honestly, that's one of the things that surprised me about myself. i never thought i'd be willing to bend something i always held onto so tightly, just because it was for you.

09 — swimming

i had every reason not to go that day.

hindi talaga ako pinayagan pumunta kasi malayo. and honestly, i could've just stayed home. pero pinilit ko, because i knew you'd be there. and if i'm being completely honest, if you weren't going, i don't think i'd have fought that hard to go.

i would've chosen the safer option, and maybe gotten something i wanted instead. pero there was a chance that day could become one of our memories. and apparently, that was enough reason for me to fight for it.

10 — getting to know you

knowing you made me curious about the version of you that existed before me.

i'd look through your tiktok reposts, the things you liked, the things you talked about—basically anything that could tell me a little more about you. i even ended up going through your old facebook posts, hanggang 2020, just to get a better idea of the things you liked and were interested in. it’s not because i was trying to know everything about you. i just wanted to know you beyond the version of you that i already knew. i wanted to know what made you happy, what you liked, what kind of things caught your attention, and what little things made you you. because when it comes to you, knowing you never felt like enough. i always wanted to know a little more.

11 — puto bumbong

i've probably had more than five chances to eat puto bumbong.

nung christmas, and even nung pumupunta kami kila Jasple, ilang beses na talaga akong may chance. pero every time, i'd find some tiny excuse not to eat it. Pero honestly there wasn't really a good reason. i just wanted my first puto bumbong to be with you.

i didn't know when we'd get the chance, or if we'd even get one at all. pero i kept saving that first experience anyway. maybe that's a little silly, but i think it says something about me. there were things i could've experienced on my own, but somehow, i kept wanting to wait for you.

I don't think I ever noticed how much I was willing to do until I started looking back. None of these felt like huge decisions when I was making them. Most of them were just little choices that felt natural at the time. But when I put them all together now, I realize how often I chose the option that gave me a little more time with you, a little more understanding of you, or simply another reason to be close to you.

There are still so many things I probably forgot to mention, too. Countless little moments that didn't even cross my mind while writing all of this. But even just thinking about these is enough to make me realize something that none of it ever really felt difficult when it was for you. I didn't think twice about most of them. I didn't keep track of what I was giving up, how much effort something took, or whether it was worth it. Maybe that's what I never realized back then—loving you never felt like something I had to force myself to do. Because even the things I never thought I'd do became easy when they were for you.

I don't really know where to start with this. Siguro partly because i've been thinking about saying all of this for so long that now that I'm actually here, ang hirap pala malaman kung alin yung unang sasabihin. But there's this scene from Stranger Things that somehow convinced me a little more to finally do this. It's about taking a risk even when you know there's a possibility that things might not turn out the way you want them to. And I think that's exactly where I am right now. Whatever happens after this, I know I'll still gain something from it.

If things turn out well, then maybe I'll finally get to know how you really feel about all of this. And if they don’t, that's okay too. I don't want you to feel like there's a right answer to any of this. Whatever you're feeling, you can tell me honestly. And whatever your answer is, I'll accept it. I'll still be glad I told you everything I've been too scared to say. I'll finally have the clarity I've been wanting for so long, instead of spending more time wondering about all the things that could've happened if I had just been honest. So maybe this isn't really a lose-lose situation for me. Either way, I'll finally know—and I think that's better than continuing to wonder.

Masyado nang obvious, but I’ll say it anyway. I like you, Trisha. I have for a long time. I've been too scared to actually say that out loud because saying it makes everything real. I've been so afraid of what happens after I finally admit it that I kept finding reasons to stay quiet. But I don't want to keep doing that anymore. So even if it's already obvious, even if you've probably figured it out long before I had the courage to say it, I still want you to hear it from me. What we already had mattered to me, Shang. You weren't just someone I liked and could risk losing without thinking twice. You were someone I already had a place for in my life, and I was scared that saying all of this would change that. I was scared that once I said it, things wouldn't feel the same anymore, and I'd lose something I genuinely didn't want to lose >:[

I think I've already told you pieces of how I see you before, so I don't really know what else to say about how I see you now. Maybe the simplest thing I can say is that I've liked you for longer than I even know how to measure anymore. And somehow, all of my friends know you too. My JHS friends, my SHS friends, even some of my online friends. Parang mandatory na ata na once you're my friend, kailangan alam mo rin kung sino si Trisha. Hindi naman kita intentionally in-i-introduce, kasi you just come up a lot. You became someone I couldn't help but talk about. And I think it's because you're just so easy to brag about. Whenever I talk about you, I always have something to say. Something you did, something you said, something I remember, or something I admire about you. I never really have to search for a reason to mention you because there's always something. And maybe that's another thing I didn't realize until now. I've been letting other people know how much I admire you long before I ever had the courage to tell you. I think everyone around me has probably heard enough stories about you to know how much you mean to me. You just happened to be the one person I was too scared to tell. :DD